A client recently asked me how to get past her anger so as to forgive a family member who exploited his role as a will executor, robbing other family members, including her, of their just inheritance. On top of that, he is a top-shelf jerk who has caused deep rifts in a family system already terribly stressed by grief. She felt as though there was something wrong with her for hanging on to her anger, even though the events in question were quite fresh.
“Fuck forgiveness!” were the words that jumped out of my mouth before I had a chance to stop myself.
Forgiveness is not JUST a religious construct~~it was first a secular construct based on the strictly moral principle of allowing an offender back into one’s good graces~~as we are all imperfect beings. However, when religion took hold of the concept of forgiveness, it was injected with steroids and became a monster, one-size-fits all solution to offenses ranging from minor, such as forgetting a lunch date, to major, such as sexual molestation. It became unnecessary for the offender to even ASK for said forgiveness, which is extremely convenient to all the fucksticks out there who don’t want to be held accountable for their transgressions, or who don’t believe they did anything for which to be HELD accountable.
The cherry on the top of this shit sundae is how insisting on forgiveness turns the whole thing around on the victim, who is admonished to “forgive and forget”, to “turn the other cheek”, to “let it go”. They are told how the Buddha or somebody like that said “holding on to anger is like holding hot coals in your hands and expecting the other person to get burned.”
And if they don’t just suck it up and forgive they are deemed pathetic for walking around with all that annoying anger. After all, THEY are in control of their emotions. THEY cannot let other people control how they feel. We don’t want to see THEIR unpleasant and inconvenient bitterness!
When I was a kid, my parents were big believers in marching me and my siblings right up to whomever we had offended by our actions or words and humiliating us into apologizing for our sorry asses. I’ll never live down having to tell the clerk at the corner store in Salem, Oregon that I was sorry for shoplifting some five cent piece of candy, but I have developed a healthy appreciation for this practice of making me accountable for the mean, stupid, criminal, thoughtless crap I did.
I know for a fact that there are many people who don’t believe in this parenting style. Their little darlings can do no wrong unlike me and my juvenile delinquent sibs. They will go to battle with anyone to defend their child’s right to be an entitled, hurtful and thoughtless little brat.
The fact is~~forgiveness is optional. Most things are optional; we have choices and we can determine whether or not to do that thing based on whether or not we can accept the consequences. Like I can have that third margarita. Or I can stop at two. There is no “should” about it. It is based on whether I want to get up and be productive the next day or be utterly worthless.
Not only is forgiveness optional, it is not something to be turned on at will like a light switch. Forgiveness, especially for serious offenses, is not only difficult, but it may be hazardous to one’s health. For example, if my lover beats me bloody and I just forgive him and go on with business as usual, next time he could possibly kill me. Probably better to hold off on that forgiveness thing until I’m living with an assumed name in another state. And even then, it’s optional. Holding a grudge might be a fine way to remind myself that person isn’t safe to be around.
Forgiveness is especially difficult when the person who hurt you would not ask for your forgiveness without a gun to their head.
It is much less difficult to forgive someone who says, “I’m SO sorry! Please forgive me! I was a complete arse!” Even if we don’t forgive them right away, we are far more inclined to do so in the near future. If they say, “I’m sorry IF you were hurt,” keep in mind that this does not qualify as an actual apology. This simply translates to “I am a big douchebag who is trying to shame you for feeling bad about ME treating YOU like crap!”
Forgiveness is the END of a process, not the beginning. It is possible and perhaps desirable to reach a point where compassion for that unrepentant loser overcomes your wish for their imminent public humiliation and/or death. But it is NOT a requirement and it is not something you have to do on someone else’s timeline.
In fact, without receiving a sincere and heartfelt apology, it is entirely natural that it will take the victim time and effort to achieve forgiveness depending on the severity of the offense. Some offenses are minor enough that they might be forgotten/forgiven in a matter of hours or days. Others, like rape or betrayal, could take years or a lifetime. Or forgiveness may not be possible. And no one should tell that person they MUST forgive. That is insulting and ignorant.
IMHO, the goal should not be forgiveness. The goal should be overcoming the painful emotions that have been caused by the injury. When that is achieved, forgiveness becomes not only possibly automatic, but authentic. Without it, forgiveness is not real. It is the two-faced mean girl who invites you to her party and spends the night making fun of you behind your back.
I am very much in favor of love and kindness and not at all opposed to forgiveness if it makes sense and does not shame the victim. And I am a big believer in a person’s right to choose…..in this case, whether or not to forgive. It is not anyone’s business to tell you whether or what or who or when or how you forgive.
Not even Buddha’s.
Kvetchin With Gretchen 