Fuck Your Explanation

A client was telling me how much he had to do that weekend. As he was recounting his agenda, he mentioned that he needed to cancel his usual Sunday afternoon plans with his mother but dreaded making the call.

“What do you dread?” I asked. “Oh, you know my Mom,” he said. “She’s going to say ‘Why? What do you have to do?’ and then I’ll have to explain to her that I have laundry and grocery shopping and I haven’t done any work on my job search and I need to do dishes, and….” his words toppled over themselves like someone somersaulting downhill. As he collapsed at the bottom of Explanation Mountain, he said, “Last week when I told her I couldn’t stay to watch the entire game, she got snarky with me and said ‘Fine, I guess all you care about is the free lunch!'”

Here’s the thing: this guy’s mother is a spry, salty lady in her seventies who would kick her son to the curb for a better offer with no fucks given. As a grown-ass adult you do NOT OWE another grown-ass adult such an overwrought explanation nor as the grown-ass adult on the receiving end should you feel you are owed one. That kind of explanation is only required in special circumstances, like when you call in sick to work and you need the job. Even then, you don’t have to describe your illness in gory detail. Nobody wants to hear that it’s coming out both ends. And no one really believes you’re sick anyway. Or if you are blowing your kids off for the weekend so you can shag your new girlfriend or boyfriend it might be nice to tell them you’ve been called in by Special Ops or that you’re working ALL weekend to make money to take them to Disneyland. If you have to break a date with someone because of illness or another true conflict, of course it is appropriate and courteous to offer a brief apology and explanation so they know you value them, their time and the commitment.  And that is sufficient.  Keep in mind that when someone asks, “Why?  What do you have to do?” they are out of bounds.

But let’s say someone asks if you can get together Saturday night and you had previously planned a get-together with your pajamas, Netflix, a bottle of wine and an extra large pepperoni pizza. You are under NO obligation to divulge this information. Nor need you feel guilty or pathetic. Nor need you APOLOGIZE. Plans with yourself are legitimate plans. Or say your Mom expects you to keep her company every Sunday until you die, but you haven’t done laundry since the Carter administration or you want to go out on a date with someone to whom you are not related from time to time. Here are examples of what you say:

“Hey, I’ve already got plans for this Saturday, but I’d love to get together, how about next Saturday?” Or “I can’t make it this Sunday, but next Sunday is great!” If that person says, “Why? What do you have to do?” you have a couple of options. You can say 1) “None of your fucking business,” although if this is a relationship you value, I’d caution against it, or 2) “I’m available next Saturday/Sunday, would that work?” And then rinse and repeat as necessary. We call it the Broken Record Technique. You repeat the same words verbatim or with slight variations over and over and over until the numbskull pushing your boundaries gets the message. If they don’t, then you are well within your rights to revert to option #1.

Unless it’s your Mom. Then I’d stick with #2.

Author: kvetchinwithgretchen

I am a licensed clinical social worker who has had the honor of working with many wonderful clients over the past 27 years and their stories inspire me, haunt me, intrigue me and sometimes infuriate me. I have learned from them and I want to share what I have learned with you. View all posts by kvetchinwithgretchen