Codependent No More

I am done reading articles trying to dissect why people would vote for Donald Trump. In the long run, it doesn’t matter unless my ability to divine that information would give me a way to change their minds. But I have read these articles obsessively, hoping if I could just find that magical key, I could turn it and open the door to their psyches.

Last week we found out that Trump told Bob Woodward he knew the virus to be “deadly” all along but that he chose to downplay it to the public. At the same time, he takes no responsibility for the 200,000 and counting deaths that have occurred in this country since the early months of 2020. And I would be willing to bet any amount of money that this knowledge will not change the minds of any of Trump’s rabid fans.

Since early March of 2020, I have had less human contact than I have ever experienced in my 64 years. I have copped a few short, guilty, dangerous hugs from friends over these past few months (masks on, faces turned) but otherwise the physical affection I have experienced came from my kitties, both of whom have passed away, one in February from liver cancer and one last month from long-term kidney failure. I know I am not alone with this kind of deprivation. I am luckier than many. The people I love have remained in good health, as have I.

However, some days I feel as though my heart is truly breaking, not just because I miss seeing my friends and family; or because I miss human touch and travel and theatre and movies. I grieve for our country and I find myself confused, enraged and saddened because of the Trump supporters’ single-minded devotion to a man who has mocked, bragged, bullied, cheated and lied his way into the White House; a racist, misogynistic, thin-skinned, malignant narcissist who has put countless lives at risk. It seems so simple to me that we shouldn’t vote for people like this. I don’t want to lose relationships with friends and family members, but I have to draw a line. It’s not about political differences~~it’s about moral and ethical differences. We should vote for a viable alternative because we ourselves are moral, decent people.

Except that, when we feel threatened, we sometimes call off all our bets. We suppress our better angels because it feels so righteous and so satisfying to stick it to the other guy no matter the consequences: “libtard”, “rethuglicon.” We defend the indefensible. It happened when Bill Clinton was President and Democrats were defending him (“it’s just a blow job”) and it’s happening now with Republicans defending Donald Trump. It wasn’t right then and it’s not right now, although there’s a big difference between lying about a blow job and a con job of devastating proportions. We have reached a breaking point in terms of our division as Americans. I see this when couples are on the brink of divorce. Neither party willing to blink, neither party willing to be the first to say “I’m sorry” because they don’t think the other will say they are sorry~~ and the other just might not. The other person might just gloat and declare victory. This couple will go to divorce court before they will say “Perhaps I can do better. Perhaps I hold some blame.”

But even if one side is willing to reach across the chasm and try to fix things, it is as good as useless if the other doesn’t as well. It takes two~~always. And in those cases, divorce is probably the only and best choice. But in the case of a nation……well, we could be heading toward the cliff, civil war, the end of democracy as we know it, a protracted post-mortem for our country. Even if the pendulum has to swing to that terrible brink in order to swing back the opposite way; even if “the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice” we will see decades upon decades of painful, deep damage and loss. Perhaps it will be irreversible damage and loss.

I have joked that I’m glad I’m old and have lived a pretty good life but the truth is I am aching to do and see all the many things I’ve not yet done and seen and I am looking forward to watching my nieces and nephews live their unique and wonderful lives in relative peace and prosperity. I don’t want to see us suffer years of chaos and hostility and deprivation and pain. I don’t want to see America fail. I want this marriage to survive.

At the same time, as I had to draw a line in the sand in terms of my personal relationships, we have to draw a line in the sand when it comes to our elected officials. And in the case of Donald Trump, there is no compromise. There is no moving the line. Having four more years of his toxic leadership is something we will live to regret. We are not going to be able to change the minds of those who blindly support him. It doesn’t matter if we understand why. We have a pretty good idea and that’s enough. I think divorce is inevitable, but the better parent needs to get primary custody of our country, and I pray that will be Joe Biden.

But even if it is, we can’t relax our vigilance. Divorcing a narcissist is a bitch. He will unleash a smear campaign that will make your head spin. He will do everything in his power to turn the children against you. He will care nothing for truth or justice. He will take a scorched earth approach in his quest to appease his wounded ego and regain his power. He will attempt to take no prisoners. And he will have many enablers.

I told someone recently that I am an optimistic pragmatist. I have always believed that somehow, some way, good will prevail but it seems that right now in order for that to happen, we need to turn our attention away from trying to understand, argue with, or cajole Trump voters. We need to call the attorney, pull together our finances, stop engaging with our soon-to-be ex, take a deep breath and prepare ourselves for the difficult road before us.

There’s no knowing what lies ahead. And I am not starry-eyed. I do not think that some of the relationships I’ve enjoyed in the past will survive. I believe that the pandemic is changing us for better or worse. I do not believe that our nation will be healed in my lifetime. The damage~~economic, social, environmental, political, emotional and physical~~is cataclysmic. I hope that we can at least slow the bleeding. I hope that some day we can move on and we can heal.

Trump voters, I let you go. I detach with love. I will no longer try to change you or understand you. I will not beg, cry, name-call or take you on in any way. I am moving on. I leave you to reflect or not, to change or not, to summon your better angels or not. I will focus on bettering myself, changing myself, reflecting upon myself and on focusing on the things I have the power to change. But I still believe your loyalty to Trump is suicidally misguided. I probably will never be able to forgive you if he manages to be re-elected. I will try to refrain from leaping in ecstatic schadenfreudal joy should he not be re-elected and go to jail (okay, I lied; I will do a mad dance.) But I will dance as if no one is watching, because I am letting you go.

I hope someday we can be friends again. In the meantime, I am taking some space.