Your Cat is an Asshole

My client collapses into the chair and proclaims that she is exhausted because her cat woke her up at 3:00 in the morning pawing at her face.  She says she needs to talk strategy to alleviate this problem.  “Look at these circles under my eyes,” she says.  I thought about the set of luggage I recently sported under my own bleary eyes~~luggage that was perpetually packed for a round-the-world trip.

“Cats are assholes,” I say.

The last time I had a good night’s sleep was in 1995, before I adopted a pair of cats from a friend whose allergies were killing her and the last time I put anything other than a heavy table lamp on any horizontal bedroom surface was the day a 50-pair earring tree was sent “cat”apulting to the floor in the wee hours of a work morning.

Okay, so here’s the thing:

We have choices.  We can sleep or we can get a cat.  We can sleep IN or we can get a dog.  Dogs are biologically wired to pee at 5:00 a.m.  Of course, we DO have the option to lock our fur-children in the basement with a litter box or a pee pad, but honestly, how many of us animal-loving losers are going to do that?  Am I right?  No, we have decided that it is far more palatable to accessorize with pet hair and mainline caffeine so that our beloved animals can sleep on the pillow next to us.  And that’s OKAY.  But we can’t have it both ways.

Part of becoming a fully mature, emotionally intelligent adult is realizing that your cat is an asshole.  It is realizing that if you want something enough, you are probably going to have to give up something else to keep it.  Like if you get married you’re probably going to have to give up dating.  If you don’t want to have a job, you will have to give up eating and premium channels.   If you want to have a great body, you’re going to have to give up Cheetos and couch time.

Another piece of maturity is accepting that cats don’t change unless they want to change.  Cats have to embrace the need for change and actively work toward change.   Good luck with that.  The only thing my cats ever wanted to change was the latest place they fancied sleeping. 

My client listens soberly as I explain to her that since she made a rash decision to adopt a cute little puking puffball with claws that will destroy her furniture, her slumber and her rugs she will have to come to terms with the reality that as long as she has a feline house guest she will never sleep soundly again.  Cats are not really like kids~~you can’t “wear them out” or sleep-train them~~they sleep 20 hours a day and prefer to be up between 1 and 5 a.m.  They do not respond to threats or discipline.  They are sleep terrorists.

She tells me she hates me. 

It is useful to know that we can either change our circumstances or we can change our attitude about our circumstances, depending on which is most possible and/or desirable. It’s pretty simple, but not always easy. My client is not going to give up her cat any more than I would have given up my cats.  She needs a strategy, but a different strategy than she was hoping for.

1. The Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr is helpful:  “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.”

1. Take up a practice of mindfulness so that you are not tempted to act on the feelings of the moment and adopt a cat to alleviate loneliness after a couple of disastrous Match.com dates. Trust me on this.

1. Say this mantra to yourself over and over: “Sleep is for sissies.”

Both of my cats passed away recently and even though I miss them terribly, I am planning to catch up on my sleep before I consider getting another one. I am also leaving shit out on horizontal surfaces with reckless abandon. But I know the day will come when I will watch that one millionth cat or dog rescue video, throw caution to the winds, and march myself over to the shelter, lay down my money and bring home another furry, nocturnal companion.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead.