Journalistic Integrity

My client was devastated.

In a spectacularly careless moment several months ago, she left her journal on the coffee table while she’d gone out to dinner with a friend. She had been experiencing a lot of turmoil in her marriage and had been writing down her thoughts to help her sort out what she was feeling and what she wanted to do.

“Oh dude,” her friend had said, “You know he is so gonna read that shit.”

This past week, her husband dropped a sardonic comment that made it abundantly clear he had not only read the journal that particular night, but had been taking it and reading it regularly ever since, even though my client had gone to the trouble of hiding it, sometimes so well she couldn’t even remember where she’d left it. After confronting him several times, he finally admitted to the deed with no remorse whatsoever. He vomited up chunks of rage and pain all over her and said that he now knows who she really is and what she really thinks of him. He’s packing his bags. He’s telling all her friends what a deceitful bitch she is.

My client wiped a tear from her eye. “I feel so violated,” she said, “but at the same time, I feel very guilty for having written terrible things about him and I feel sorrow for the pain I caused.” She wondered if he is right to believe he is the victim here.

Oh, for fuck’s sake.

Yes, it wasn’t wise to leave her journal out because people WILL snoop~~and in the digital age, they have a virtual banquet of devices upon which to feast their curiosity. And sad to say, if you aren’t just writing about how much you love, adore, and respect your S.O.; if you are calling him a miserable bastard or impugning his cocksmanship, or God forbid you are having an actual affair and are, forgive me, stupid enough to leave written evidence, you should probably bury it in the backyard or chew up the pages and swallow them after you finish writing each entry.

Make no mistake~~the person who reads another’s personal diary is probably going to get their ass handed to them. Journals are like dreams, in a way. Dreams are one of the ways the brain cleanses itself, both literally and figuratively. Journals are as well. People try to gain understanding of themselves and others as well as to offload the detritus of their minds because they know it is bad form to call you a miserable bastard to your face. Journal entries are no more an entirely accurate reflection of what the writer feels about you than a dream about murdering someone you love means you are going to see yourself on the ten o’clock news. I remember I used to mutter, “I hate you,” under my breath to my mom or dad when they would punish me~~in that moment, I DID hate them, but of course, I didn’t REALLY hate them. Sometimes people unleash a volley of “what an asshole” in their journals. And you know what?  It’s their right to do so and if you read it you don’t have fuck-all to say about it.

I read several articles online about this subject and was shocked to see how many people feel that when you are a part of a couple you should have no private thoughts, therefore reading your partner’s journal is A-OK, because of course they should be writing nothing about you but how great you are or how life didn’t begin until they met you. I’m sorry, but WTF? My client’s husband told her he felt vindicated for reading it because she had no right to keep those feelings a secret from him; that she “obviously” had despised him from jump and had been deceptive about it.

I will say that keeping secrets like romantic or financial infidelity is toxic. If you find out about these things reading a person’s journal, texts or emails, then you are within your rights to use that ill-gotten information to inform your next actions. If they say they are buying a gun and have a bullet with your name on it, okay, you lucked out by being a big fat snoop. Confront the POS, call the police, leave them if you must~~two wrongs do not make a right, but in this case, you have the goods and you can use them. But if you violate your partner’s privacy and you find unflattering THOUGHTS or FEELINGS about you written there, then boo fucking hoo. You got exactly what you deserved.

You should go off and lick your wounds and realize that you have brought this shit down on your own head. You may have just read the impulsive venting, whining, what-does-it-all mean crap that people tend to write in diaries, things they would never want to say to your face~~not to deceive you, but to spare you. They are working things out in their own minds and it should be a safe place for them to do so. Trust me, you don’t want to know what your S.O. says about you in therapy, either. Because they are in a private space where they can tell the therapist whatever they want and the therapist will help them separate the wheat from the chaff.

And if you had to read your partner’s diary in order to realize that there was trouble in paradise, I’d like to know what you’ve been smoking; unless your partner is an evil genius, which I’m going to bet is not the case. The best outcome after your psychic break-and enter-would be to take a good, long look in the mirror and repeat after me:

“People’s thoughts and feelings are their sacred private property. THEIR ACTIONS MAY BE PART OF THE PUBLIC DOMAIN, BUT THEIR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS ARE NOT. “

So next time you are even TEMPTED to read someone’s private personal ramblings, texts, or emails, follow these three helpful suggestions:

1. DON’T. Go stick a fork in your eye instead. It’ll hurt less.
2. If you decide to DO instead of to DON’T, take everything you read with a large grain of salt. You will probably need a pitcher of margaritas as well.
3. Did I mention DON’T?

And if you are the journal writer and you want to avoid having your innermost thoughts and feelings become fodder for a public smear campaign or a personal ass-kicking, then, for the love of God, either get yourself a trustworthy partner or go buy yourself a fucking lockbox.

It’s cheaper than a divorce.