Shame on You!

Recently, I shared a Facebook post by a well-known pastor, John Pavlovitz, commenting on an X post by Donald Trump. The post concerned an Episcopalian bishop, Mariann Budde, who had, during an inaugural prayer service, implored the incoming administration to show mercy toward immigrants and the LGBTQ+ community. Predictably, Trump dismissed the bishop as “nasty” and “not very smart.” The pastor argued that any self-professed Christian who voted for Trump should feel ashamed. I agreed.

Someone commented by saying that shaming others isn’t the way to win hearts and minds. Fair point, but hear me out.

Shame, as defined by Merriam-Webster, is a painful feeling resulting from doing something wrong or improper. It can also refer to a healthy moral compass—the ability to recognize when one’s actions are harmful. Many of us grew up hearing “Shame on you!” from our mothers when we disobeyed or were mean or thoughtless. That kind of correction, though painful, helped shape our sense of right and wrong. However, shame can also be weaponized in toxic ways, leaving scars. Abuse victims, for example, often internalize unjustified shame, and I work hard to help people heal from that.

But appropriate shame—the kind that stems from genuine wrongdoing—is not inherently harmful. It’s what keeps us accountable. A lack of shame entirely is what creates sociopaths and psychopaths: people who know they’re doing wrong but simply don’t care. Narcissists, on the other hand, do feel shame, but they repress it so deeply that it manifests as rage and projection.

Narcissists are not born. They are shaped by their environment. They may have been excessively shamed or placed on a pedestal, receiving praise disconnected from reality. Either way, they grew up without learning empathy or humility. For them, shame is a third rail. They can’t tolerate it for even a moment, so they offload it by shaming others.

This brings me back to Trump. I don’t believe he felt a moment of shame when the bishop pleaded for mercy—because I truly think he’s a sociopath as well as a narcissist. But he is thin-skinned enough that he lashed out, as narcissists do, to make himself feel bigger by diminishing someone else.

As for whether shame motivates better behavior, I believe it can. Feeling shame is crucial to mental health and moral growth. It’s just another emotion, neither good nor bad in itself. What matters is how we process it. If someone shames us unfairly—over our appearance, our art, or something beyond our control—that’s wrong. But if our actions are harmful, feeling shame can inspire us to stop and change. Without shame, we lose an essential part of the human experience and our ability to grow.

I don’t love feeling shame. It’s painful. But when warranted, it forces me to examine myself and, at times, change for the better. That’s why I won’t apologize for agreeing with the pastor’s post, which challenges people to reflect on how they reconcile their faith with supporting someone as cruel and un-Christian as Trump.

That said, I ultimately took the post down. Why? Because I realized I was, yet again, trying to reach people who won’t listen—this time through shame. It won’t work. Facts haven’t worked. Empathy hasn’t worked. Nothing has. So for trying again, knowing better,

Shame on me.

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Author: kvetchinwithgretchen

I am a licensed clinical social worker who has had the honor of working with many wonderful clients over the past 27 years and their stories inspire me, haunt me, intrigue me and sometimes infuriate me. I have learned from them and I want to share what I have learned with you.

22 thoughts on “Shame on You!”

  1. Brava Gretchen! In agreement with you completely. What was said by her needed to be said, is intrinsic with who and what she is and while a brave statement, we can all call on bravery like that and move forward. Best, Dan Barr

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  2. Once again, you’ve nailed it.

    I don’t believe all trump worshippers are wrong. I do think they’re not reading the same information I am. And for that, shame on the “news” outlets and their executives that have normalized his bizarre and cruel behavior, trying to make him appear like a viable president with viable opinions.

    These days, when I meet a person claiming to be Christian, I’m wary to the point of avoidance (depending on who they voted for, of course). It’s clear I know more about what Jesus had to say than the trumpers do.

    Examples: “Love they neighbor.” “Judge not, lest ye be judged.”

    I don’t know what else to say to people.

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  5. Gretchen, what a good discourse on shame. But I fear you are right. We are all preaching to the converted. Any challenge of maga cult mentality just results in nasty vituperative responses which invariably expose the poster’s complete lack of empathy, critical thinking or a genuine understanding of Christianity, a faith they love to claim yet fail to practise.

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  6. Fantastic, as usual.  Don’t know why that was the only part of that whole farce that I happened upon that day.  I watched because I could feel where she was going & I was appalled (but not surprised)  by the looks on the faces .  Sad, because she was so kind, soft spoken & Christian. There is not enough sage in the world to clean that place out

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