Pretty Is As Pretty Does

I once had a client who felt ambivalent about her fiancé because, she sheepishly admitted, he wasn’t as good-looking as her friends’ partners. She said he was a “really good guy,” their sex life was fulfilling, and she found him very attractive. But despite my gentle efforts to help her challenge her own thinking, she called off the engagement. In hindsight, it was probably the right choice~~she didn’t feel strongly enough about the man to set aside her concerns about appearance, or perhaps she needed more confidence in herself. Either way, the fiancé deserved better.

When working through relationship indecision with clients, I remind them that no one will have everything they want. There will always be one or two things that aren’t ideal. The goal is to identify what’s non-negotiable. If most things about someone are good and the flaws aren’t dealbreakers, that could be a great match. Perfection isn’t even on the table.

Dealbreakers vary from person to person. Some people can’t tolerate smoking, messiness, or low income. Others~~like my former client~~might care more about appearances. But real dealbreakers are traits that will ruin your life over time: violence, untreated addiction, dishonesty, emotional immaturity, cruelty, abuse, infidelity, or lack of empathy, to name a few.

Dealbreakers are the qualities you know you can’t live with and still be happy~~or healthy.

That brings me around to Donald Trump. Dealbreakers~~he’s got a few. He has mocked disabled individuals and the military. He didn’t discourage his January 6th mob from chanting about hanging Mike Pence. He’s a pathological liar, convicted felon, and an adjudicated sexual predator, with documented racism, misogyny, violent ideation, and blatant authoritarian intent. He stoked a brutal insurrection, stole top-secret government documents, and tried to keep them. He was twice impeached, cheated on all three wives, and mental health experts say he exhibits the criteria for narcissistic and antisocial personality disorders~~along with signs of dementia.

And that’s just a partial list of his greatest hits.

If these aren’t dealbreakers for you, I have to ask: why not? Don’t you feel the Category 5 winds of a thousand red flags blowing you off your feet? Have friends and family, people you respect, not practically shouted their objections into your face?

How do you imagine a good outcome tied to someone like this? Please, help me understand.

His opponent may not check all your boxes, and you might not agree with every policy. But she hasn’t mocked the disabled, led a coup, or vowed to end the Constitution. She doesn’t have a criminal record or display narcissistic or psychopathic tendencies. She supports minority rights and respects the rule of law. Isn’t choosing someone flawed but principled the better option? In four years, you’ll have another chance to elect someone who better reflects your beliefs and has a shred of decency. But this election isn’t a relationship you can walk away from. One way or another, you must choose between the two.

Over the last nine years, as Trump has lived rent-free in our minds, I have traveled abroad five times. People in other countries told me the U.S. was a laughingstock under Trump, and they fear his return because it affects more than just us. It’s like watching a beloved friend or family member with a toxic partner~~helplessly standing by, hoping they’ll wake the hell up before the damage is beyond repair.

If Trump were still a Democrat and the Republican candidate were Liz Cheney or Adam Kinzinger~~principled leaders I usually disagree with on policy~~I could still see voting for them. Because Trump presents dealbreakers that are unbelievable, undeniable, unthinkable~~BIGLY.

I was going to say I’m no expert on brainwashing~~one of the ways I see Trump maintaining his unfathomable support, with a lot of help from Fox News~~but then, I remembered: I AM. For 25-plus years I’ve thoroughly studied narcissism. I also know brainwashing firsthand, having been manipulated by a former partner.

My family and friends were astonished by how quickly this intelligent, insightful, educated therapist lost her sense of objective reality to someone who turned out to be highly sociopathic and narcissistic. I’ll never forget sitting at the Thanksgiving table, my family gathered around, and announcing who I had voted for in that election. My mother’s mouth dropped open, and a flash of anger crossed her face. Being a lady, she kept what I’m sure were some spicy thoughts to herself. But at one point, she couldn’t help asking “What are you doing with such a loser?”

Of course, I defended him, but deep down, a seed of shame began to take root.

Fortunately, I woke up. It took some doing, but I got out before my brain had been washed clean of any semblance of my true self. The shame of having been so utterly hoodwinked still sticks to me sometimes~~but it beats the alternative.

Make no mistake; brainwashing is what narcissists do best, through gaslighting, manipulation and projection. I’ve worked with people who were in narcissistic relationships for so long they never found their way back to themselves. Those who did paid a steep price, but not as steep as those who didn’t. Gaslighting erodes your sense of reality: “That never happened.” “I never said that.” Manipulation shifts blame, plays the victim, lies, denies, coerces, insults, name calls, dominates the conversation, moves the goalposts (like killing a bi-partisan bill to deny an opponent a win), exploits and backstabs.

Projection? If Trump accuses someone of it, you can bet your bottom dollar he’s doing it himself. Remember his fear-mongering about AI and crowd sizes?

When your life is dominated by a sociopathic narcissist, the psychological damage runs deep. After Trump was elected in 2016, I joked that I had “PTTD”~~Post Traumatic Trump Disorder. I didn’t know how true that flip comment would become. Today, many of us live with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, (CPTSD) from a steady diet of chaos, gaslighting, and manipulation.

The toll isn’t abstract. Chronic stress leads to depression, anxiety, high blood pressure, headaches, and digestive issues. Long-term, it can contribute to the development and progression of cancer, autoimmune diseases, and more. Living like this is unsustainable, but many people stay in bad situations~~like abuse victims clinging to the highs while tolerating the lows. Been there, done that.

Cognitive dissonance kicks in: when beliefs and actions don’t align, people either change their behavior or retreat into denial to ease the discomfort. Too often, they choose denial. Until disaster strikes. As it inevitably will.

I can’t even fathom the emotional damage inflicted on children separated from their families during the cruel Trump years~~or the fear and anguish felt by their parents. It breaks my heart that so many people live in terror of having their rights stripped away. These people are your friends, colleagues, and family members. I work with abuse survivors whose trauma is triggered daily by seeing a sexual predator deny his victims and walk free. I grieve for the women who have died under draconian abortion bans, and the unimaginable pain their families endure.

As a therapist, I have never seen the level of existential dread I see today~~the constant questions, “Are we going to be okay?” “What kind of country are we leaving for our children and grandchildren?”

The demand and need for mental health services has never been higher and burnout among professionals is at an all-time high. Something has to give.

I don’t know what happened to the woman who left the fiancé she deemed not quite handsome enough. But recently, I saw Trump tell a rally crowd,  “I’m much better looking than Kamala! Much better looking!” They roared with approval.

And among my decidedly judgmental thoughts about his assertion, I recalled what I had shared with my client: Looks fade, character doesn’t. Or, as my mother would say, Pretty is as pretty does.

If character is destiny, we know exactly where this road leads~~and it’s nowhere pretty.